Vlad the NHLer

"Sobotka" is Czech for "Fuck the AHL"

Peter Chiarelli: Hello, Vladimir it’s Peter Chiarelli. How you doing?

Vladimir Sobotka: I’m healthy. Healthy enough to be scratched and sit in the press box, getting fat eating nachos like Andrew Alberts.


Chiarelli: Well, actually that’s why I was calling you, it seems Mr. Alberts…

Sobotka: Is a fat lump who constantly mistakes cinder blocks for skates?

Chiarelli: Exactly, and he’s overpaid, so we decided to…

Sobotka: Let him actually play now? Move him up to the wing? I’ll come up to Boston right now and punch him in his pudgy face, you’re really going to have Andrew FUCKING Alberts play wing? The man can barely skate out of his own zone. Thanks for calling Pete, why didn’t you just write it in your fucking blog. Have you even seen a Providence game? I bet not. I even close my eyes while I’m on the bench, it’s so painful. If I have to smoke one more AHL goalie, I am going to slit my wrists. And I’ll still average a goal per game. I’m like a cannonball, Pete.  Remember last year’s playoffs? Or my gritty, Bruinsesque training camp?

Chiarelli: No, no, Vlad you got it all wrong we traded Alberts to Philadelphia for Ned Lukacevic.

Sobotka: Oh perfect, another forward! Just what we needed. We only dress about 80 of them down here in Providence, I’m sure Ned will love playing next to Marc Savard or Patrice Bergeron, I’m sure they will just get along wonderfully and become roommates and get married in Massachusetts, while I have Peter Schaefer. Did you know he wore Rollerblades to practice yesterday?

Chiarelli: Vlad! You’re not listening, Ned is reporting to Providence today.

Sobotka: Good, and the first thing I am going to do is punch him in the fucking face. Put him on my line, I’ll make him a fucking star, then you call him up, leave me in Providence. “Oh it’s the salary cap, Vlad” “This is a business, and sometimes we have to make business decisions, Vlad.” Shove it up your beard!

Chiarelli: Damn it Vlad, I’m trying to tell you that we’re calling you back up to Boston. You’re back on the team.

Sobotka: Oh.

Chiarelli: Yeah.  Pack your bags, get on the next train.

Sobotka: I still want to punch Andrew Alberts.

Chiarelli: Of course, but try to keep it on the downlow, so Rask doesn’t find out.  I can’t handle any more crying voicemails at 3 in the morning.

Sobotka: Sure thing, but I think he’ll notice when Providence is no longer winning every game by six goals.

Chiarelli: Well, do what you can.  Now, could you put Matt Hunwick on the line?

Sobotka: Who?

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