It’s only the third game of the season, but we got a pretty big one coming up here. Tonight marks the first Northeast Division matchup for the Bruins, and it’s against the toughest opposition the Bruins will face within the division, the Montreal Canadiens. The Canadiens are a dangerous team, and the Bruins need to avoid getting swept by them during the regular season, like they did last year. In this post, I could list points to look for, and matchups to watch, but (and I’m proud to say this) I ain’t no Brian Engblom. You want a breakdown of this clash between Northeast Division titans, the first meeting since the Canadiens eliminated the Bruins in Round 1 of last year’s Stanley Cup Playoffs? Read a newspaper.
Here’s everything else you need to know to root for the Bruins and against the Canadiens. Y’know, because you are totally capable of influencing the outcome of the game.
Ladies and Gentlemen, please direct your attention to: The Jumbotron’s Guide To Rattling Les Habitants (and their fans).
Many Canadiens supporters speak and understand the French language. This becomes evident during bathroom breaks, when people in red jerseys begin pattering back and forth. They’re laughing at us, I just know it. Well, now you can chirp right back at them with this handy phrase guide!
Je déteste votre équipe! – I dislike your team!
Une défaite est inévitable pour l’équipe de Montréal. – A loss is inevitable for the team from Montreal.
Les Habitants se recroquevillent à la vue de leurs propres corps nus! – The Canadiens cower at the sight of their own naked bodies!
Le prix est erroné, putain! – The Price is wrong, whore!
Le numéro quatre-vingt-quatre, s’assurent que vous ne pissez pas votre pantalon quand le rassemblement de Bruins vous dans les coins. – Number eighty-four, make sure you do not piss your pants when the Bruins meet you in the corners.
The Montreal Canadiens fans like to cheer their team on. They have two go-to chants which they will break out on a near constant basis. Luckily, Bruins fans (and others, probably) have developed two “clever” counter-chants, that take the words and tune of the chants and turn them upside down! Observe:
The Canadiens like to chant “Olé, Olé, Olé, Olé. Olé, Olé.” And repeat, ad nauseam. The Bruins fans have come up with the alternate, “You’re gay, you’re gay, you’re gay, you’re gay. You’re gay, you’re gay.” This does not work as well as one would think, since many Canadiens fans are, in fact, homosexual, and (rightfully) feel no shame regarding that fact. What began as a put-down, instead turns into a rousing celebration of Josh Gorges and the French Canadian lifestyle.
The other Montreal chant is “Go Habs Go!” which we Bruin fans have sublimated into “Blow Habs Blow!” This is redundant, however, as the Canadiens feature Alex Kovalev, and it is not the years 2000-01 or 2007-08.
Poutine is a culinary delight for those willing to sample its treasure trove of flavor and texture. Rich, thinly-cut french-fried potatoes, arranged in a basket, and covered with delicious gravy and lovingly topped with cheese curd, poutine is truly a feast fit for a king. When watching the Bruins face the Canadiens, make sure you are within the eyeline of a Canadiens fan. Order french fries and then slather them in ketchup. Use mayonnaise, mustard, whatever! As long as it’s not gravy and cheese curd, the Canadiens will slowly drive themselves crazy watching you eat incomplete poutine. Savor every unfinished morsel and pretend to like it. You can always enjoy a scrumptious bowl of poutine as soon as the Canadiens have left Boston.
If I got carried away, I could write a Blades Protocols on each and every Canadien, but I’ll control myself and tell you about certain members of le bleu, blanc, et rouge.
Andrei and Sergei Kostitsyn: Known as Big and Little Tits, respectively, these Russian brothers are actually pretty good. Better than most people in the league are willing to give them credit for. Unfortunately, Big Tits has a huge, fucking target planted on his head because of all the (perceived) dirty hits he was dishing out in preseason. The Bruins don’t like the Kostitsyns, and neither should you.
Carey Price: The eye-candy of the team, Price is being heralded as the next big thing in Montreal goaltending; but as Bruins fans know, he ran out of steam in last year’s playoffs. Not only did the emperor have no clothes, but he also had 30 lbs. of baby fat. All of that is gone now, (be still, ladies) but he still has to prove that he has the endurance to last a full season as the #1 netminder in Montreal. However, at the start of the season, he’s looking like one of the league’s best, and he’s going to want to prove that the Bruins don’t own him, mind, body, and baby fat. If the team doesn’t rattle him early, they’re fucked.
Jaroslav Halak: Halak is the backup goaltender, and he would be starting on a number of teams this year, were he playing somewhere else. He’s good, real good, and even if the Bruins happen to catch the Canadiens on a night where Price is resting, they’ll still face a battle trying to score goals.
Thomas Plekanec: It’s not pronounced “pleh-KAN-ekh.” That’s stupid.
Former Canadiens Players:
Michael Ryder: My favorite Bruin played for the Canadiens last season. Normally this would mean he has inside info on Montreal coach Guy Carbonneau’s system and could prove invaluable in breaking the team down. However, Carbonneau didn’t like Michael Ryder for some odd reason, and kept him out of the loop. It’s okay, as Ryder wasn’t really listening anyway. Look for him to try to put up a couple of points out of sheer anger tonight.
I could go on and on about how important this game is for the Bruins tonight, and how they need to establish some sense of competitiveness, not only with Montreal, but with the rest of the Northeast division, but it’s only game 3 out of 82, and the Bruins are in the middle of an exhausting road trip that won’t see them back in town until next Monday. If the Bruins lose tonight, or even if they get absolutely humiliated, it’s not the end of the world. Just sit back, enjoy the game, and watch the animosity between these two teams continue to boil over.