Slow Motion Not So Instant Replay

Is that a long carom in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Is that a long carom in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Every Sunday night / Monday morning The Jumbotron will present you with “Slow Motion Not So Instant Replay” to provide general NHL information and hilarity from the week, so that you can stave off as much work as possible on a Monday.

Although, this week we have Columbus Day, so do people have to go to work? I don’t have a job, so I have no idea. All I know about Columbus Day is that Old Navy doesn’t give a shit about what holiday it is because EVERY FUCKING THING IS ON SALE. No, really, the commercial starts with “Columbus sailed the ocean blue in 1492, but who cares, because cargo pants are on sale!” I tried to find a link, but stop being lazy and watch your own goddamn television. To the links!

  • Continuing down the who-gives-a-shit-about-Columbus road, here are some things Christopher Columbus would be shocked to discover. [Stanley Cup of Chowder]
  • I’ve known Gabe for some time now, but the Chowder really puts him in a nice, neat, accurately wrapped package. [Stanley Cup of Chodwer, again! Also check out the terrible sports tattoos piece in that delicious Link Chowder.]
  • Sticking with dumping on Columbus, Michael Peca is suspended indefinitely for physical abuse of a ref. I’m surprised there is no video of the altercation. Peca claims he grabbed the ref’s arm so he could slow him down for a chat. By chat, I mean obscenity laced tirade. I’m pretty sure Peca was just trying to ask him what the fuck a Pascal Leclaire is.[ESPN]
  • Columbus Blue Jackets superstar Jared Boll was hoping Krys Barch would go down like Pocahontas, easy – but full of pain and disease. Yeah, About that…at least he wasn’t Zach Bogosian. [Puck Daddy]
  • Who wants a David Krejci jersey? Well, too bad Gabe, they don’t have them. You could always customize one, but Mike Chen thinks its a pretty bad idea. [Kuklas Korner]
  • Blake Wheeler scored his first NHL goal (Milan who?), while Michael Ryder surprised everyone by accepting a pass from Marc Savard and promptly depositing the puck in the net. Claude Julien reportedly reacted by saying: “Who’s a good Ryder? Who’s a good Ryder? Yes, you’re a good Ryder. Yes, you are! Have a million dollars! I love you so much! Have another year on your contract! Who’s a good Ryder…” while Peter Chiarelli took his wrists away from the skate sharpener. [Hub Hockey]
  • How long does it take for a knee to heal? Less than fifteen years. Phew. Charles Wang got worried there for a second.  Thank god Garth Snow can play at any moment; he took good care of his knees. Are Garth Snow jokes old yet? I sure hope not. Rick “Captain America” DiPietro may or may not be hurt, it’s possible he just really, really likes Joey MacDonald. [Barry Melrose Rocks]
  • Speaking of Barry Melrose Rocks, I wish I wrote it so I wouldn’t have to link to it so much, but I can’t rob you of air sharks. [Barry Melrose Rocks]
  • Air Sharks should clearly be the third jersey for San Jose. Sadly, that idiotic family from Orange County Choppers was consulted and there is going to a third world country wearing a lot of the unsold San Jose alternate jerseys. [Icethetics]
  • The Atlanta Thrashers continue to be an enormous joke. [Scotty Wazz]
  • How is Jarome Iginla not more popular outside of Calgary? [Five Hole Fantastics via Illegal Curve]
  • Two Drapers. One Cup. [Going Five Hole]
  • A recap of the Top 50 Players from 1998 and their current equivalent. Zdeno Chara doesn’t get compared to Wayne Gretzky too often. [Kuklas Korner]
  • Martin Havlat jokes kill me. Not sure why, but they’re always funny. Growing pains in the windy city. [Melt Your Face Off]
  • Dustin Penner is not funny. This is barely even a prank. Thank the lord Puck That Hit has some sense. Sadly, you get the Saw doll for that post, instead of the normal smoking-hot barely dressed women, but I’m not one to tell you what to masturbate to (that’s my job -G). [Puck That Hit]
  • I’d never heard of Rick Rypien before today, but anyone who punches people in the face this hard is a friend of mine. Well, a friend in the sense that I’d never want him to punch me in the face. Even though Brandon Prust gets his ass kicked, I feel like I don’t want him punching me in the face either, but I’m not friends with losers. [Hockey Dump]
  • Nemmy over at The 2 Man Advantage took a lot of time to put a skate on a silhouette of a naked chick in MS paint. Validate him. Oh, there’s also an article or something, but they don’t have permalinks, much like Rick DiPietro’s knees . [The 2 Man Advantage]
  • Bly from ThePensBlog, has a great photoshop with Sarah Palin and our favorite under-sized over-paid center. [ThePensBlog]
  • Not hockey related, but such mastery of Ebonics must be passed along. [With Leather]

Three things you can find on your own because I don’t give a shit about them:
1. Sarah Palin dropping the puck at the Philadelphia Flyers game. It’s not real a face-off, they aren’t even wearing helmets!
2. What has seven arms and sucks? Def Leppard. I wasn’t going to watch it on television, why would I take the time to watch them be absolute fucksticks on the internet.
3. The new “Hockey Night in Canada” theme song “Canadian Gold”. I’d never heard the old song, so it’s all the same to me.

Never one to end on a negative note, enjoy one of my favorite NHL commercials:

Fuck Mats.

-John

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2 responses to “Slow Motion Not So Instant Replay

  1. excellent Monday morning reading – time to build the lasers

  2. BearBeatsIndian

    Well done. Nice way to avoid work on a Monday morning. In the same vein as Jack, I’m off to design spy planes or something.

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